Kicks and Pleasures
by Rockleerox93
Summary: Hisoka chuckled, "I expected as much from you. But if you're wanting to enjoy small things like Spades…sex is in the same category, ne? If killing is for your pleasure…then sex should be for your kicks, Illumi." Rated M for Sexual and psychological themes. HisokaxIllumi


[]- Kicks and Pleasures –[]

+Plus the Strange+

It wasn't that hard.

Illumi thought so anyway—but there wasn't much to expand on.

A question had been asked—but before he could have even answered it, he had been dismissed by his father. And quite strangely at that.

Illumi, being the oldest of the Zoldyck family, was to one day bear children. More Zoldyck children meant more Killua-like geniuses. A very obvious and natural conclusion.

But

Killua and Milluki (having eavesdropped using Zetsu) had laughed at their father's suggestion.

_Bear children? Illumi is stupid when it comes to that stuff._

Even father had laughed—short and curt—but a laugh it was.

What was so funny about him having children?

He was in his twenties after all. He was…acceptable looking. Why wouldn't he be capable of reproducing? The most instinctive act a man could do with a woman was natural—why—even a _stupid _man could impregnate a woman.

So why was father's suggestion so funny to everyone else?

If anything—Illumi could honestly verify the emotion 'annoyance'. Not on his face of course—but the emotion was bubbling inside him…And to make the feeling even more potent was the clown.

At the moment, the clown was sitting across the room from him in a loveseat building a house of cards.

Hisoka was its name. Rather a jester than a clown. Either way—he was an extremely strange thing.

In all honesty, Illumi didn't know why he tolerated the man.

Wait a minute…

That was right-t-t.

Hisoka was good at killing people too.

"Comical, you are, Illumi." Came that strange, sonata-like voice. Illumi blinked. As stoic as his face appeared, his inner-self was anything but blank.

"Don't mock me."

Hisoka didn't look at Illumi as he sat a 5 of hearts atop his castle—completing it. A snake-like smirk warped his face. Yes…if Hisoka didn't dress himself so ridiculously, Illumi would think him a snake.

"But you make the cutest faces when you're in denial~"

"If I could kill you without risking too much, I would."

To that, Hisoka gently blew down his castle. That twisted smirk never having left his face.

"I imagine you would've a long time ago. But that's impossible", Hisoka sat back comfortably in his loveseat and crossed his legs. Familiar golden eyes met Illumi's ink-black ones.

"Come 'ere. Play Spades with me?" Willing the spilled cards to set themselves atop each other in his open palm, Hisoka slyly glanced at Illumi.

"I don't know how to play Spades."

"I'll teach you~"

"No."

"Mm…should we put something on the line?"

Illumi gave Hisoka a deliberately slow blink, "I won't wage blood. There's no money to be made."

"Of course not. So why not wage secrets instead? They're just as delicious~"

Reluctantly, Illumi pulled himself out of the corner he'd been leaning against to sit across from Hisoka.

"What don't you already know about me? And what could I possibly want to know about you in return?"

The smirk which Hisoka held had turned chilling—if not vulgar.

"O-o-oh~I want to know what you were thinking about. One can never tell with that face of yours."As Hisoka distributed the cards, Illumi gave his own cheek a weak pat.

_My face is strange…I've been told that before. Is that why they laughed?_

"And…I suppose you could ask me whatever you wanted. What would your question be? If. You win?"

Illumi gave Hisoka a long and blank stare.

"Why do you dress and act so ridiculously." A question it was, but with Illumi's flat tone, it came out sounding like a blunt fact of life.

To that Hisoka gave a soft chuckle, "Rude as always I see, but I'll take that as a compliment."

Illumi's pinky finger twitched—he was getting…a little interested in the game now. Not so much for the secrets, but because it'd give him a chance to learn something new—something outside of his families underground networking. A casual network like playing cards…somehow the whole thing seemed exciting yet boring at the same time. He didn't want to play cards, but then again, why not? Extra knowledge never hurt anybody.

He didn't have any clients for the week, or rather, none that he had accepted. They didn't pay enough for his services. Did the mafia really think a few thousand was worth putting himself at risk?

No.

"…got that, Illumi?"

Illumi nodded at Hisoka's explanation.

Yeah.

That was another thing Illumi's assassin talents were good for. Listening to a conversation on auto-pilot and understanding what was being said, even while simultaneously thinking on a totally different topic.

Reviewing Hisoka's rules of the game, Illumi blinked. Spades between two players was tricky it seemed…half the deck of cards gets removed for making draws—yet, if one does not have a strong bluff or a spade in their hand…the game becomes something else completely. Who knew cards could hold strategies?

Hisoka acts on mischief on a daily basis, so it was refreshing for Illumi to play an intelligent game with the man.

It even felt a little…

Plea…

Plea..?

Wait.

What word was he trying to conjure up? He had the word in his head:

P-L-E-A-S-A-N-T.

But he could only fathom the word as letters. What did the word mean?

Was it even important?

"O-o-o-h~! How unfortunate for you Illumi. I suppose you'll swallow your pride and accept defeat, hm?"

Laying down two Aces, Hisoka licked his lips—satisfied. Illumi folded with no grudge whatsoever.

"So…" the clown folded his arms across his chest as he sat his legs atop the coffee table—the only space granted between Illumi and him. "What were you thinking when you made that pouty face, hm~?"

"I don't make faces. You know that."

"Ah~I know, I know. But I can tell…by the blackness of your eyes. They seem to hold different weights of black when you're _feeling _something~! It makes looking at you a fun game."

Illumi was much too used to the way Hisoka spoke, which was in a woman-like manner—deeply pitched—yet sing-songish. If Illumi _did _choose to make a face, he would have made one of Killua's famous scowls.

Tilting his head ever-so slightly, Illumi shrugged.

"I've always thought faces to be honest—much too dangerous for me because of the kind of work I do. So I keep one face on…but I never thought about my eyes being honest."

Shaking his head—humored by Illumi's ironic innocence no doubt—Hisoka sang, "Ah~don't forget my question now. What were you thinking a while ago? You'll be honest won't you~?"

For a long second, Illumi only stared at Hisoka with dead cat-eyes.

And then…

"Father suggested something simple—something I should do when fully matured." Illumi's eyes fell to crescents before he closed them. "To bear airs under the Zoldyck name." Quickly, Illumi's eyes snapped open. They traced Hisoka's face for any signs of humor.

No laugh lines around the pale clown's eyes…and no curving of the lips. A surprise to Illumi really. Hisoka for once, was frowning at him.

"You're twenty-four, no? A natural thing, I would think. Continue~?"

Not really thinking that Hisoka would be as serious as he was, Illumi blinked. "Yes…but Killua and Milluki were in the shadows and laughed at me—Father did as well."

Illumi shrugged, "I never considered Father's question as a joke. Why was it funny to them? If I am of appropriate age to have children, why am I being mocked?"

Hisoka rubbed his temple with a finger, "I agree that you're a good assassin Illumi—a worthy man I'd love~to fight but…I'd rather not have the Zoldyck family after me. So an ally you will have to stay." Collecting his cards from the coffee table, Hisoka tucked them away for later.

"But…"with that same vulgar smile, Hisoka licked his lips, "You're not at all sexually interested in anything. Why…I bet your younger brothers will bear children before you."

To that, Illumi blinked deliberately slow.

"…I have read books and have seen movies of the 'sexual acts', but I do not get…what is the word? _Excited_? If I could help it, I would have nothing to do with people in general. The pleasure I seek isn't in sex. It's in killing."

Hisoka chuckled, "I expected as much from you. But if you're wanting to enjoy small things like Spades…sex is in the same category, ne? If killing is for your pleasure…then sex should be for your kicks, Illumi."

With half-lidded eyes, Illumi crossed his arms.

"And you would know all about that, I assume?"

There it was again. That incredibly sensual smirk of Hisoka's.

Illumi didn't need to prod any further—he really didn't want to know Hisoka's sex life. Too strange.

But…Hisoka wasn't ugly. The man, as strange as he was, would always have a trump card over his head in social networks. Chats, cards, and sex. Illumi's pride wouldn't let the make-up wearing freak look down on him. They were supposed to be on equal footing—and it had to stay that way.

"O-o-o-h~! What a fierce stare! It suits you so-o-o well Illummm~i."

"You can't surpass me—I can't allow that."

"Ah?" Hisoka blinked comically, "I can't have specialties over you?"

"No. You can't."

"So cute…you don't want to be left in my social dust, Illumi?"

This man was a real…

Illumi was up and out of his seat like a box spring. He wasn't about to take Hisoka's crap.

"Oh~you're leaving me already?"

"Like I'd stay."

"I'll tell you something good if you do~"

"…And that is?"

Hisoka shrugged.

"You know of sex. You've read and watched it. Mental and visual knowledge of the subject has got you nowhere in the sex…social network, mm?"

Was he really suggesting—

"…that I should—"

"I strongly suggest that you do."

Again.

That same vulgar smile spread across that pale face.

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Illumi looked up at the glass sky-scrapper.

It was a purple hue with blue light fixtures…

Fancy.

The night had fallen hours ago, and the city was as lively as ever. And yet, here Illumi was, at Hisoka's hotel building. Thinking.

_Come by later, hm? I can teach you what books and videos can't…it can only be to your benefit, no?_

That's what the clown had said.

The entire scenario was strange in itself—partnering up with Hisoka of all things to learn the sorts of things he should have known naturally. But. His upbringing had—in a way—stunted his social growth. Stoic and manipulative was what he was. He made for the perfect assassin, yet, made for an abnormal man. Tall and lanky he was, with round cat-eyes that were as black and expressionless as the dead (not according to Hisoka though). His hair was an inky curtain of ebony that fell to his waist—and with the exception of one rebellious bang-the rest of his bangs were combed neatly off his pale forehead.

Not ugly, but still, he was no looker. Not like Hisoka anyway. The man, although ridiculous, had a long pointed face and slanted gold eyes similar to those of a snake's. His nose was fine and pointed, and his hair was a shock of ruby curls, all gelled back into a curly ducktail…

Peculiar style yes, but on Hisoka, it was fitting.

Hisoka was, as Killua would have put it, 'hella' insane.

But

Handsome.

Silently, Illumi shrouded himself with the stealth technique, Zetsu, and leaped rooftop to rooftop before he landed onto the glass hotel with his body. Not his best technique for scouting an area—but he wasn't on duty. So he could get a little sloppy. Crawling his way up to the 6th floor, Illumi soon found the unlocked window to his destination. Slipping in silently, he shut the window, and just as he did, a warm tickle of aura revealed itself at Illumi's back.

"So glad you could make it."

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It was strange to be looked at while undressing. Illumi had never been examined so closely before.

In his assassin exercises as a child, he was made to strip if necessary to drive away his scent from nearby dogs if he were ever pursued. His father had always said, 'Timing is everything. If you aren't near any reservoirs, you strip, understand?" During those exercises, Illumi had to take off his underwear…and if he were to be found and chased by dogs right now, he wouldn't be the least bit embarrassed about his nudity.

But the way in which Hisoka's golden eyes studied his fingers as he was undoing his shirt…well. It was a bit disconcerting.

Undoing the last of the thick buttons, he slipped off his shirt. Next to come off was his boots, belt, pants and…

For some reason, he couldn't bring himself to take off his briefs.

The best way Illumi could describe the feeling bubbling up inside was that taking off his briefs in front of Hisoka was, in some way, life threatening. Yes. If his briefs were to come off in the next second, he would surely die. Even though he knew the thought was incapable of happening, he still felt…what was the word?

Vulnerable?

"O-o-oh, Illumi. Don't be a tease." Came Hisoka's slur of a voice.

The clown…didn't look as ridiculous as usual—in fact—he looked rather 'at home.' His usually gelled back curls were red and dripping—the strange jester make-up was gone—and his lean, compact chest and legs were in view, with only a towel keeping his mid-section decent. Deducing Hisoka's image, Illumi was able to conclude that the man had just gotten out of the shower before he had arrived through the window.

Hisoka stood up from the hotel bed's ataman and put a hand on his hip.

"Should I assist you? You seem…stuck?"

Illumi narrowed his eyes.

"Hardly."

And just like that, he slipped off his briefs and kicked them off in some random direction. Just as he did that, the air around them descended…almost heavily with suffocation.

Gold eyes slowly roamed the bare glory that was Illumi.

Crossing his arms, Illumi tilted his head, "Are you done?"

Even with a hand over his mouth, Hisoka wasn't able to conceal the smug smile creeping across his lips.

"Oh…can't I admire you?"

"I came here for sex lessons. No admiring allowed."

Playfully, Hisoka shrugged.

"Very well, Prince…Illumi."

"Don't call me that."

"Princess…Illumi."

"Hisoka."

"Master-"

Even though it was stoic, Illumi gave Hisoka his stoniest warning stare.

In mock surrender, Hisoka put up his hands in a lazy shrug.

"You know how I like to play."

"Then…play with me" Illumi stepped forward until he was in arms reach of Hisoka. He almost wanted to pat himself on the back for remembering that little phrase. It had come from one of the sex movies he'd watched. Instead of being grabbed violently like in the movies he'd seen, Hisoka just stood there—staring at him.

And then

Hisoka bowed.

The clown was on one knee, and his head was descending toward Illumi's feet…

There was wetness on his toes…his ankle…his shin…

"…"

As Illumi recalled, this kind of behavior never happened in the sex movies he'd seen.

With no real reference from the movies or books he'd read, Illumi was at a complete loss with what to do about Hisoka's ministrations. All he could do was feel Hisoka's workings…

His knee tensed for a moment when long fingers snaked around his calve—crawled toward the back of his thigh—and slipped up into the curve of his bottom…

"_Ah_…"

Blinking once, Illumi saw that his fingers were latched into Hisoka's shoulders.

His face felt like it was boiling…and his loins felt tight. It was strange. Usually when he felt pain, he tolerated it—even when his brain was screaming at him to pay attention to a bloodied limb or cracked rib during rough missions—he ignored it. Even when he felt his heart throbbing with what he couldn't understand, he stilled it to calmness. But this…he couldn't control. His brain wasn't making his body immune to Hisoka's touch. _Why_ _was that_?

"I don't like this…"he breathed. Gritting his teeth, Illumi shut his eyes for a quick moment to settle the heat in his face…but it didn't work. "I don't understand this."

With another intruding digit, Illumi gasped silently, arching his back in a twitchy fashion. His knees were trying to buckle under him but he stood, if not shakily, his ground. As if in apology, Hisoka placed an open kiss to Illumi's inner thigh. Chuckling against the paleness of Illumi's skin, Hisoka smirked.

"Of course you don't. Sex organs don't have brains…this isn't a battle you know."

"…_nh_…"

"Ah~~you make the cutest sounds and faces."

To that, Illumi tried to rebuttal, but another digit slipped into him, and started...moving. His breath was hot and spastic with the movement of Hisoka's fingers. His loins were awfully tight and warm…

Bubbling bubbling bubbling…

His unexpected release had cast him breathless as he gasped in silent pleasure. It was then that his knees caved.

Smoothly, Hisoka collected Illumi to his chest and carried the man bridal style to the spacious bed. Feeling the softness of the comforter, Illumi blinked up at Hisoka—dazed. As much as he wanted to kill the man—he couldn't bring his vision into focus. As much as he wanted to escape—his body was a slave to Hisoka's touch.

He wasn't in control of anything…

Not his brain or his body.

Hisoka had him at his lewd disposal.

Even though his vision wasn't quite cleared of cloudiness, he was able to make out Hisoka's naked form climbing atop his chest.

The last thing he felt before blackness engulfed him was Hisoka's fingers brushing against his cheek.

"Good Night…Prince Illumi~"

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With one quick blink, Illumi was awake. He was in Hisoka's bed with a note beside his pillow.

Sitting up on one elbow, Illumi read the short message:

_You fainted, so we'll try again another time~_

_P.S._

_You're painfully cute, you know that?_

Crushing the letter in a fist, Illumi threw it across the room, not even bothering to see where it landed. Hopping out of Hisoka's bed, Illumi gave the room a quick scan. He didn't know where the clown had gotten off to, but he wasn't sticking around until he got back. Yes! This was the time to run for it.

Ah.

There was a problem with his escape plan.

His clothes.

He knew he had littered his garbs randomly along the floor before he attempted…_that_…with Hisoka, yet, he couldn't locate them at all.

The floor was cleared—well—except for the ridiculous clothes outside the bathroom door that he very much dreaded.

"…!"

That's when he felt it—Hisoka's presence on the Hotel floor.

Doing what he never thought he would, Illumi slipped on a painfully familiar shirt, pants, and heels, and was out the window he had entered through.

Even though dogs weren't chasing him, he'd be damned if he ran out of the fancy hotel in nothing but his skin.

Anyway.

The moment he got home he promised to burn the Jester's clothes.

But…

For tight clothes, they felt rather baggy when he ran. And the heels? Not too shabby—no different from his work boots—in fact—the cushions inside were durable and plush.

Hm.

Comfortable fight wear.

Okay, maybe he'd just bury them somewhere the Jester couldn't find them…like in his closet…at the very back.

Yeah. He'd do that instead.

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**AN**: ...Yes. I really like Hisoka and Illumi together-even though it isn't favorable among most yaoi domes, I don't think it's a crack pairing ; u ; (it's so cute how their personalities differ, yet, compliment the other so much! ) Again...what is up with me liking demented semes and socially awkward ukes?...And they all seem to have red and black hair (GaaraxLee, HieixKurama, HisokaxIllumi...) Damn. I hope I don't have a fetish-I swear I realize their features after I fall in love with them. =u=

The brilliant piece about Hisoka calling Illumi sweet names like "prince, and princess" came from **Shade Mimir**'s fanfic, _The Joker and the Queen_. Do check it out you guys!

P.S. I saw my mistake! I know that Kalluto and Alluka are boys, but at the time that I wrote this-I still saw them as 'girls' rather than 'boys' (but I knew they were 'brothers')-anyway! I changed it :]! Thanks for warning me XD!


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